Survey #75: Technical Sergeant (E-6), Arnie Rothenberger
Survey #76: Master Sergeant, Brian Stanfil
Arnie Rothenberger and Brian Stanfill
Survey #75 — Arnie Rothenberger | Technical Sergeant (E-6), United States Air Force
Survey #76 — Brian Stanfill | Master Sergeant (E-7), United States Air Force
The first time Arnie Rothenberger saw Brian Stanfill, he was standing in the entrance of an Air Force training academy in Biloxi, Mississippi, soaked from the rain and trying to make a good impression. It was 1998, and Arnie had arrived for an interview to become an instructor at the Noncommissioned Officer Academy. He was hoping to change the direction of his military career. Brian was sitting nearby with a colleague named Diane, who looked at the dripping visitor and asked whether it was raining outside. Arnie was irritated by the question. Then he noticed Brian's eyes.
They were an extraordinary shade of blue, Arnie remembered, and he thought they were the prettiest eyes he had ever seen.
He went into his interview, completed it, and returned to find that Brian and Diane had left. At the time, he could not have known that the encounter would change both men's lives. They were career Air Force noncommissioned officers, fathers, and men who had spent years trying to reconcile their personal identities with the expectations of military service. Their meeting came during the era of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, when openly acknowledging a same-sex relationship could end a military career. The relationship that developed between them would eventually force a choice neither had expected to make.
Arnie had joined the Air Force to escape a childhood defined by poverty and limited opportunity. He grew up in a small town in West Virginia where employment was scarce. There was one major place to work, he recalled, and getting hired there generally required family connections. He saw little future for himself if he stayed. The Air Force offered a way to leave, gain an education, and build a life beyond the circumstances in which he had grown up.
His first assignment took him to Wiesbaden, Germany, where he lived for three years. He was married at the time, and both of his sons, Logan and Justin, were born there. Arnie threw himself into military life, volunteering extensively and earning recognition at multiple organizational levels. He recalled receiving volunteer-of-the-year honors and being named Airman of the Year more than once. He was ambitious, energetic, and determined to make the most of the opportunities available to him.
The military gave him a professional direction he had never imagined growing up in West Virginia. After Germany, he was assigned to Maryland, a period he remembered unhappily. His marriage ended, and a prolonged custody dispute followed. His former wife initially had custody of their sons, and Arnie spent years working to bring the boys into his home. The struggle became one of the defining responsibilities of his adult life. He wanted a stable future for his children, and that commitment influenced nearly every decision he made afterward.
Following a short assignment in Biloxi, Mississippi, Arnie moved to Colorado Springs, where he eventually gained custody of Logan and Justin. At Falcon Air Force Base, he worked as a computer programmer on the Global Positioning System at a time when GPS was still developing into the technology familiar today. He remembered working with a constellation of approximately twenty-three satellites and participating in the programming and maintenance of a system whose military applications were becoming increasingly important.
His work required both technical expertise and direct involvement with equipment. Arnie served as a classified courier, traveling to Cape Canaveral, Florida, with software stored on large magnetic tapes. At the time, updating systems could require physically transporting the software, loading it onto the equipment, and restarting the system. He remembered the satisfaction of writing code and then watching the consequences of his commands as satellites moved and systems responded. Programming was not an abstract activity for him. He could see the technology operating in real time.
During the Gulf War, Arnie recalled, his team worked to maintain three-dimensional GPS coverage over the area of military operations. Satellite capabilities were more limited than they would later become, and some of the spacecraft were nearing the end of their useful lives. According to his account, the team adjusted the satellite configuration to preserve coverage where American forces needed it. He remembered the work as an example of how consequential the emerging technology had become. What now seems routine was, at the time, a major technical achievement.
Arnie spent nearly eight years in Colorado Springs and initially planned to leave the Air Force and remain there. Instead, he received orders returning him to Biloxi as an instructor in computer programming. He did not want either the location or the assignment. He disliked the idea of teaching and had hoped to avoid another move. Nevertheless, he took the position, instructing personnel at different levels of technical qualification.
Changes within the Air Force's computer career fields eventually placed him at risk of receiving a remote assignment. Hoping to avoid that possibility, Arnie sought a different instructional position at the Noncommissioned Officer Academy. He applied even though he had not yet completed the academy's own course. That decision brought him to the rainy entrance where Brian was sitting.
Brian's path into the Air Force had begun under different circumstances. He grew up in a farming family, surrounded by his father, grandfather, and the work of agricultural life. He remembered his childhood as positive and stable. Several relatives had served in the military, and he viewed the Air Force as an opportunity to leave home, pursue a career, and participate in something meaningful. He enlisted during the Cold War and entered the munitions field, working with the weapons and ammunition he described simply as “bombs and bullets.”
Brian took naturally to military life. He enjoyed the work, excelled in his assignments, and embraced the structure and opportunities the Air Force provided. He believed that the military had shaped much of the person he became. His upbringing supplied a foundation, but service introduced him to new people, new responsibilities, and a broader understanding of the world.
One of the most important changes involved his attitudes toward race. Growing up in the South, Brian had absorbed prejudices that were common in his surroundings. Military service required him to work closely with people from different backgrounds, and those relationships challenged assumptions he had previously accepted. He began questioning ideas he had inherited and concluded that many were wrong. Looking back, he believed the experience made him a more thoughtful and respectful person than he might otherwise have become.
Brian married and had a daughter. For years, he considered himself heterosexual and did not seriously question that understanding. After the Gulf War, however, he began recognizing feelings that complicated the life he had built. He was in his early thirties and increasingly aware that his marriage was not fulfilling. He did not want his daughter to grow up believing that a loveless marriage was something she should accept as normal.
He eventually decided to leave the marriage and told his wife he was gay. He understood that the disclosure could create serious problems, both personally and professionally. His wife could have used the information against him during the divorce or exposed him to military authorities. Instead, Brian recalled that she did not do so. He worked to make the divorce cooperative and ensure that his daughter was financially supported, even though the arrangement left him with little money for years afterward.
By the time Brian became an instructor at the Noncommissioned Officer Academy, he had experienced several relationships with men that had not lasted. He was beginning to think he might be better off avoiding romantic relationships altogether. Then Arnie arrived.
Arnie, meanwhile, had been through two marriages to women and had spent much of his life suppressing the realization that he was gay. Growing up, he had absorbed religious warnings that even thinking about homosexuality was wrong. He remembered always knowing that he was different but trying not to acknowledge what those feelings meant. His second marriage had been an attempt to escape loneliness rather than an expression of a relationship he truly wanted. It ended after approximately a year.
Following that divorce, Arnie admitted to himself that he was gay. He also decided that he would not act on those feelings while he remained in the Air Force. He had two sons to raise, approximately six years of military service remaining before retirement, and a responsibility to protect his family's financial stability. He resolved to remain alone until he could retire and live openly without risking his career.
Meeting Brian disrupted that plan.
The two men became friends, spending time together and discovering how much they had in common. Brian was strongly attracted to Arnie but believed he was unavailable. Arnie had been married, had children, and did not openly identify as gay. Brian was afraid that expressing his feelings might destroy their friendship or create problems at work. He settled for finding opportunities to spend time with him.
Eventually, Brian invited Arnie and a friend out for drinks. They later spent time at Arnie's house, swimming and talking. Their friendship continued to deepen. After returning from a weekend visit with his daughter, Brian invited Arnie over for coffee. As they talked, Brian realized that Arnie was unlikely to reveal his feelings without encouragement.
He decided to take the risk himself.
Brian told Arnie that he was gay and that he believed Arnie was, too. Arnie nodded.
Brian remembered the relief of that moment. He had feared that saying the words aloud would end the relationship before it began. Instead, it opened the possibility of something neither man had been willing to acknowledge directly. Their friendship became a romantic relationship, and they discovered a connection that extended across their personal lives, professional values, and understanding of family.
They also shared a love of teaching and leadership. Both became respected instructors at the academy, and a friendly rivalry developed over which of them was more effective in the classroom. Arnie remembered Brian as an exceptional speaker, capable of drawing emotion from an audience regardless of the subject. He admired Brian's ability to teach, motivate, and connect with people. Their relationship was built not only on attraction but also on genuine respect for one another's professional abilities.
Living together required discretion. Arnie's sons knew Brian and accepted him as part of the household, but to people outside the family he was often introduced as their uncle. The boys sometimes continued calling him Uncle Brian even years later. Arnie had intended to tell his sons directly that he was gay, but their mother disclosed the information before he had the opportunity. He worried that the circumstances would make the conversation more difficult. Instead, the boys responded with the openness and respect he had tried to teach them.
For the two men, family life offered happiness alongside the constant pressure of concealment. They were raising children, maintaining demanding careers, and building a relationship, but they could not acknowledge that relationship openly within the institution to which they had devoted so many years. Don't Ask, Don't Tell meant that even a successful and decorated service member could face discharge because of a same-sex relationship.
The policy's consequences became unavoidable when Brian received a new assignment. He had left the academy to work as a first sergeant, but the Air Force subsequently directed him back into his original career field and assigned him to Luke Air Force Base in Arizona. Arnie remained in Mississippi. Both men were approaching important points in their careers, with retirement benefits becoming an increasingly powerful reason to stay.
They faced a painful decision. They could continue their relationship across the distance, end it, or have one of them leave the Air Force. None of the options was easy. Years of service represented financial security, professional achievement, and the promise of retirement income. Giving up that future meant surrendering something they had worked toward for much of their adult lives.
During a trip to New Orleans for the millennium New Year's celebration, the two men discussed what they would do. Arnie decided that he would leave the Air Force so they could remain together.
Brian understood the magnitude of the sacrifice. He promised Arnie that if he came to Arizona, Brian would share half of everything he received, regardless of whether their relationship ultimately lasted. The commitment was not merely romantic. It acknowledged that Arnie was giving up the opportunity to complete his military career and receive the retirement benefits he had been approaching.
Arnie then began the process of obtaining a discharge under Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Rather than waiting to be discovered, he approached the staff judge advocate's office and disclosed that he was gay. He explained that he had served honorably and would accept nothing less than an honorable discharge. Legal personnel helped him navigate the process, but he remembered the experience as deeply humiliating.
For sixteen years, Arnie had worked to become an outstanding airman. He had received awards, excelled in technical assignments, supported his children, and served as an instructor responsible for developing other noncommissioned officers. At the academy, he had earned its distinguished graduate honor, the John Levitow Award, as well as an academic achievement award for attaining the highest grade point average. He believed he had demonstrated his value to the Air Force repeatedly.
Once he disclosed his sexual orientation, however, the atmosphere around him changed.
Arnie recalled handing his letter to a senior leader, who read it and told him they would discuss the matter again after determining the proper procedures. The academy was preparing to begin another class, and losing an instructor immediately would create difficulties. Arnie continued teaching while his separation was being arranged, carrying the emotional weight of losing his career while being expected to maintain his usual professional performance.
The process was kept quiet. Arnie remembered colleagues noticing changes in his assignments and trying to discover what was happening. He felt increasingly isolated from people with whom he had previously enjoyed close working relationships. Supervisors and coworkers who had once treated him as a valued member of the organization became distant. He described the experience as being turned into a secret that nobody wanted to acknowledge.
One incident was particularly painful. Arnie received an email from the legal office containing an attachment whose title used the word “Homo.” He was outraged by what he considered a degrading and unprofessional way to refer to his situation. The incident reinforced his feeling that the institution was treating him as something shameful rather than as a person who had served honorably for sixteen years.
After completing his final academy course, Arnie was told that he did not need to return to work. He collected his belongings and remained at home until the discharge was finalized. The end of his career was quiet and abrupt. He had spent years earning recognition, building relationships, and contributing to the Air Force, only to find himself separated from the community that had defined much of his adult life.
He did not regret his decision.
Looking back, Arnie said he would make the same choice again. He wished he had been more assertive during the discharge process, demanding greater respect rather than accepting the treatment he received. At the time, he had never known anyone who had deliberately disclosed being gay in order to leave the military, and he was uncertain what the authorities could do to him. That uncertainty made him cautious. With the knowledge he gained afterward, he believed he would have challenged the process more forcefully.
The separation allowed Arnie to move to Arizona and continue his relationship with Brian. He found civilian employment quickly and began building a new professional life. His military experience proved valuable, particularly the leadership and instructional skills he had developed. Within approximately five years, he recalled progressing from a job paying twelve dollars an hour to a position earning eighty thousand dollars annually.
Arnie attributed much of that success to what he had learned in the Air Force. He understood how to train employees, establish expectations, hold people accountable, and help them develop professionally. He was sometimes disappointed by what he encountered in civilian workplaces, where he believed managers were more concerned with advancing their own interests than supporting the people they supervised.
Brian shared many of those observations. He believed the military placed greater emphasis on developing leaders and mentoring personnel than most civilian organizations. The Air Force had taught him to understand honor, trust, responsibility, and respect in ways that remained central to his identity after retirement. He did not believe military service automatically made everyone a good leader, but he valued the opportunities it provided for people willing to learn.
Arnie added an important qualification. Not everyone received the same quality of leadership or mentorship. He remembered an early supervisor whose behavior was poor and sometimes involved reporting to work intoxicated. Had all his supervisors behaved that way, Arnie believed his military career might have taken a very different direction. Fortunately, he later worked with people who recognized his potential and helped him develop it.
One supervisor in Colorado Springs was particularly influential. Arnie credited the man with teaching him to become more respectful, forgiving, and open-minded. The lessons extended beyond technical programming or military procedure. They shaped how he treated people and how he understood his responsibilities as a leader. For Arnie, the best supervisors did not simply tell subordinates what to do. They helped them become better people.
Brian eventually completed his Air Force career and retired. Leaving the military allowed the couple to live more openly, without the constant fear that someone might discover their relationship and use it to threaten their livelihoods. Brian recalled being warned that civilian life would expose them to discrimination. Compared with the pressure of concealment in the military, however, he found civilian life liberating. The possibility of prejudice remained, but they no longer had to organize their daily lives around protecting a military career from disclosure.
Together, they built a successful life in Arizona. They worked for other employers, developed business interests of their own, and raised their combined family of three children—Arnie's two sons and Brian's daughter. They spoke warmly of their children's support and the family relationships that had endured through the difficulties of divorce, military separation, and coming out.
Their relationship also developed during a period when same-sex marriage was becoming increasingly visible in American public life. They followed the marriage debate closely, particularly developments in Hawaii. When they were able to arrange a marriage there, they traveled with friends and family and chose a date that coincided with the anniversary of their relationship.
By their recollection, they married on approximately the fifteenth anniversary of the day they became a couple. At the time of the interview, they had celebrated their first official wedding anniversary and had been together for more than sixteen years. The distinction mattered. Their legal marriage was relatively recent, but their commitment had already survived years of secrecy, career sacrifice, and the work of building a family together.
Their story reveals a complicated relationship with the institution they served. Both men spoke with genuine affection for the Air Force and the opportunities it had provided. Arnie believed military service allowed him to escape poverty, obtain an education, support his children, and develop technical and leadership skills that transformed his life. Brian believed the military helped him overcome prejudices, understand responsibility, and become a more capable and thoughtful person.
At the same time, the Air Force had required them to conceal their relationship and had forced Arnie to choose between the career he had built and the man he loved. The institution that had taught them to value honor and integrity could not, under the policy then in effect, accept their relationship openly. Arnie experienced that contradiction most directly during his discharge, when years of distinguished service seemed to count for less than the disclosure of his sexual orientation.
Neither man described his military experience as wholly positive or wholly negative. Their gratitude and criticism existed together. They valued the education, discipline, friendships, and opportunities they had received, while recognizing the damage caused by policies that required secrecy and punished disclosure. Their story is not an argument that military service failed them in every respect. It is an account of how an institution could profoundly enrich their lives while also imposing an extraordinary personal cost.
What stands out in their recollections is the respect they have for one another. Arnie admires Brian's abilities as a teacher, speaker, and leader. Brian recognizes the sacrifice Arnie made to preserve their relationship. Both understand that their years together were possible because one of them chose to surrender a military career just short of the retirement he had worked toward.
Their lives also demonstrate how family can be created and sustained through difficult circumstances. They entered the relationship as fathers with children from previous marriages. They navigated disclosure, separation, relocation, and the challenges of living openly after years of secrecy. Their children became part of a shared family, and the couple eventually celebrated a marriage that publicly acknowledged the commitment they had already made many years earlier.
For Arnie Rothenberger and Brian Stanfill, service to the country and commitment to one another were never separate parts of their identities. The military shaped their values, introduced them to one another, and gave them the skills to build successful lives. It also created the circumstances in which they had to decide what they were willing to sacrifice for love.
Their story begins with a rainy day in Mississippi, an unexpected encounter at the entrance to a military academy, and a pair of blue eyes Arnie never forgot. It continues through years of friendship, secrecy, sacrifice, and shared responsibility. Ultimately, it is the story of two veterans who carried the lessons of honor and commitment beyond their military careers and applied them to the life they chose to build together.